How to Stop Being a People Pleaser in Your Marriage and Friendships (Even If You’re an Enneagram Nine)

Let me guess – you’re the friend who always says “whatever you want to do is fine with me” when asked about dinner plans. You’re the wife who agrees to hosting Thanksgiving again, even though you’re secretly exhausted from last year. And half the time your own personal watch list goes ignored for the whims of your family members.

If you’re nodding along, welcome to the people-pleaser club. Population: way too many of us midlife women who are finally realizing that saying yes to everyone else means saying no to ourselves.

The Hidden Cost of People Pleasing in Relationships

Here’s what nobody tells you about being a chronic people pleaser: it doesn’t actually make your relationships better. In fact, it often makes them worse.

In Your Marriage: Plainly put, this is a recipe for disaster. Speaking from experience it’s easy to build resentment when it feels like your needs and wants aren’t taken into consideration. On the other hand how can your partner know what you want when you insist you don’t have an opinion.

It would be great if we were all married to highly intuitive mind readers, but we’re not. Your partner is likely taking your statements at face value. And you’re muttering under your breath about being ignored. Like I said, I might be familiar with this particular pattern of behavior.

It’s also worth noting that decision fatigue is real and deferring to your partner on every single decision can build up some resentment on their end as well.

In Your Friendships: Friends start taking your flexibility for granted. You become the default option – the one they call when their first choice falls through, the one who always accommodates everyone else’s schedule. Over time, friendships can become one-sided without anyone realizing it.

Disclaimer: There’s a huge difference between compromise and people pleasing. Sure, we should all take turns choosing restaurants, movies, vacation destinations. You don’t need to always win. But if you’re the type who way more often than not defers to the wants, needs, and preferences of others, I’m talking to you.

The Enneagram Nine Dilemma: Why Conflict Feels Like Kryptonite

If you’re an Enneagram Type Nine (the Peacemaker), this struggle hits even deeper. Nines are wired to avoid conflict and maintain harmony at all costs. The thought of disappointing someone or creating tension can feel physically uncomfortable.

Unfortunately, avoiding all conflict doesn’t create real peace – it creates fake peace. And fake peace is exhausting to maintain.

As a Nine, you might find yourself:

• Automatically agreeing before you’ve even processed what you actually want
• Feeling anxious when someone seems slightly annoyed
• Postponing difficult conversations until they become impossible to ignore
• Losing touch with your own preferences because you’re so focused on others’

Signs You’re People Pleasing (And It’s Hurting Your Relationships)

In Your Marriage:

• You can’t remember the last time you suggested a restaurant or activity
• You feel guilty when you spend money on yourself
• You apologize constantly, even for things that aren’t your fault
• You’ve stopped sharing opinions that might differ from your spouse’s

In Your Friendships:

• You’re always the one who adjusts your schedule
• You find yourself agreeing to social events you don’t actually want to attend
• You avoid bringing up topics that might create disagreement
• You feel drained after spending time with certain friends

How to Start Setting Boundaries (Without Feeling Like a Monster)

Start Small and Specific

Don’t try to overhaul your entire personality overnight. Pick one small area where you can practice saying no or expressing a preference.

In Marriage: “I’d really love to try that new Thai place tonight” instead of “whatever you want is fine.”

In Friendships: “I can’t do Saturday afternoon, but I’m free Sunday morning” instead of rearranging your entire weekend.

Use the “Pause and Check-In” Method

Before automatically agreeing to something, create a habit of pausing and asking yourself: “What do I actually want here?” Even a 10-second pause can help you connect with your real feelings.

Practice Saying No Without Over-Explaining

People pleasers love to provide elaborate justifications for their boundaries. Try these simple responses:

• “That doesn’t work for me.”
• “I’m not available that day.”
• “That’s not something I want to do.”

No need to explain why you’re unavailable or provide alternatives. A simple no is a complete sentence.

Reframe Conflict as Connection

Instead of seeing disagreement as relationship-threatening, try viewing it as relationship-deepening. When you share your real thoughts and feelings, you give others the chance to know and love the real you.

The Midlife Advantage: Why Now Is the Perfect Time

Here’s the beautiful thing about tackling people-pleasing in midlife: you have less to lose and more to gain. You’re old enough to know that life is short and relationships that require you to disappear aren’t worth maintaining.

You’ve also likely experienced enough disappointment to realize that bending over backward doesn’t guarantee other people’s approval anyway. Some people will be unhappy no matter what you do – so you might as well make choices that honor your own needs.

What to Expect When You Start Setting Boundaries

The Guilt: It’s going to feel weird and wrong at first. Your brain will tell you that you’re being selfish. This is normal and temporary.

The Pushback: Some people in your life have gotten used to your flexibility. They might not love the new boundaries initially. The people who truly care about you will adjust.

The Relief: Once you start honoring your own needs, you’ll feel lighter. Relationships become more authentic when both people are being real.

Moving Forward: Small Steps, Big Changes

Remember, breaking the people-pleasing habit isn’t about becoming selfish or difficult. It’s about becoming honest. It’s about showing up as yourself in your relationships instead of as a people-pleasing performance.

Start with one small boundary this week. Notice how it feels. Remind yourself that good relationships can handle your authentic self – including your preferences, your limits, and yes, even your occasional “no.”

Your marriage and friendships will be stronger when they’re built on who you really are, not who you think you should be.

Let’s Talk About Friends, Baby

We’re all in this together (yes I did sing the High School Musical bop while writing that!) We’re figuring out what our friendships look like during this next phase of life right along with you. For more friendship chat, we would love it if you would check out our post about making new friends in midlife.

How to Make New Friends in Midlife (Even When It Feels Impossible)

We’re Your New Best Friends

Hi, we’re Megan and Wendy your midlife besties! Join us on Patreon every Monday where we’re talking everyday life, pop culture, and more!

You can also find us on “Girls Gone Hallmark” where we review new and fan-favorite Hallmark movies and ask the question: Did you see that?