How to Set Rules for Your College Kid this Summer

Do you hear the rumbling of U-Hauls in the distance? It’s the sound of college kids coming home for summer, weighed down with dirty laundry, leftover ramen noodle packets and more hoodies than one person should ever be allowed to own. But what you might really need is a plan for how to set rules for your college kid this summer – because along with their stuff, they’re also bringing new habits, some independence, and just a little bit of attitude.

They’ve been on their own for nine months — staying up late, eating what they want, communicating with you on a need-to-know basis. But now they’re back under your roof and you both have to figure out the rules while they’re home for summer. 

I know what you’re thinking: You’re so happy to have your college kid back home safe and sound that you can’t imagine it’s going to be anything but amazing. You’re ready to hear funny college stories over dinner, watch a little Netflix together and maybe take an evening walk with the dog. 

Sorry, Mama. That’s Gilmore Girls, not your life. 

As a mom of three college graduates (No. 4 is halfway done), I guarantee there will come a moment this summer when that warm glow of a full house morphs into asking yourself:

a) Who is this creature taking over the bedroom you transformed into your home office?

b) Do they ever go to bed (and its counterpart, Do they ever wake up?)

c) When does the fall semester start? 

Don’t panic, my friend! I’ve got a few hard-won pieces of advice to get you through these next couple months.

Setting Summer Rules for Your College Kid: What Parents Need to Know

You need to be clear on your rules as a parent – it’s still your house, after all, and you have a right to enforce what’s important. These are just a few of many things to consider;

Decide What Matters to You

• Do you want them home at a certain time? 
• Are there limits on seeing their boyfriend/girlfriend?  And if they live out of town, can their significant other visit for multiple days?
• Does their room have to be clean to your standards?  
• Will they have to do chores?  
• How much information do you need when they go out?
• Do you have “quiet hours” in your house?

Pick the things that really matter to you and focus on those. 

Communicate the Rules Early and Clearly 

Just like when they were little, your kid can’t follow rules they were never told. So once you know what matters to you, tell them the rules and explain why they are important. 

At the same time, leave a little room for compromise. Maybe you want them home by midnight but you can live with 12:30 a.m. Or you can handle a messy room as long as there are no dirty dishes attracting bugs. Above all, keep make it a conversation and not a lecture or you’re guaranteed to be tuned out.

Pick Your Battles 

Your kid has been living on their own for the better part of a year and obviously survived. Good job, Mom! So if you spot an unmade bed or overflowing hamper, ask yourself if it really affects you. If the answer is no (which it usually is), close the door and pretend you never saw it. 

Side note: Tonight I had to explain to my daughter that there would be severe consequences if I saw one more Sprite bottle on her nightstand without a coaster. I don’t actually know what those consequences would be, but I do know coaster use is a hill I’m willing to die on. Choose yours carefully.  

Important Reminder: You’re Still the Adult  

Your college kid is just a baby adult and it’s up to you to hold the line on anything illegal or dangerous. No matter what they did at school, underage drinking is still against the law, In fact, 30 states have criminal penalties for adults who host or allow it in their homes or on premises under their control. This isn’t to say my 20-year-old can’t have a glass of wine with Sunday dinner sometimes, but there will be no ragers at the Cook household this summer. 

Mutual Respect Goes a Long Way

You have a right to demand respect in your home –  and you owe it to your kid to give it to them, too, along with a healthy dose of privacy. Rather than falling back on “because I said so,” talk conflicts out and come to a resolution together. 

One of the best things about having a young adult is you can be honest when you aren’t sure of something. I like to ask my kids “What would you do if you were me?” Those conversations are a great first step to compromise.

Enjoy it – It Won’t Last Forever

Despite the bumps in the road, having your kid home for the summer is pretty great. You get to hear some funny stories (no doubt sanitized a little for Mom), hug them a lot and revel in what a great kid you raised. Falling asleep every night to  the Abbott Elementary theme song because it’s my daughter’s latest summer binge is actually a comforting reminder that she’s in the next room and not a few hours away. 

If it does get rocky, just remember that you’ve both changed over the last year and you’re figuring out a new relationship together. If that doesn’t work, remind yourself that they will eventually leave to go back.